Invisibility: A Letter to the Curious

Someone asked me why I seek out visibility: 

Perhaps it comes from being left out a lot throughout life -- I would see others having fun and getting photos together to show off, and I would never be in them. By the time that I did get to where they were, they would have dispersed to do other things. I even had someone intentionally leave me out of as many visibility opportunities with the clown group as possible, with her grudge against me for having exposed her exploitation of a loophole in an annual recognition. The wrath of a trophy-seeker scorned.

After each running of Comic-Con or the clown convention, I looked for posts with myself in them. Those were exceptionally rare in both cases, unless it was with my own camera. A few kind individuals did step up and help out as much as they could while still having things "organic" and not some weak substitution to placate me. I wanted to show the world my creative outlet, and be "cool" in a good way with creativity. I can see the brutal reality, though, with such things as being left off to the side, even in the SDCC volunteer group. I had to jump in to not get dropped off the edge in the group photos, and rarely was there any "fun shots" with myself in them.

And, in William Reid's photo of my Captain Olimar with the Star Trek-uniformed person facing the stage behind me? She normally takes selfies with people, but said that she forgot her phone -- it's in her back pocket (at first I thought that it was a prop to go with her outfit).

A couple years ago, I posted a "combined reunion" at the Spaghetti Factory downtown, and a number of people marked "interested" with at least a half-dozen "going". No one showed. At last year's "closure reunion", I did garner seven people representing several circles in my life. I dropped out of the "DADS" chat group shortly after, due to the mass ghosting. The loneliness is the "deep down" reason for me to be go gleeful in moving away from San Diego as soon as I could retire from my work.

My cosplay collection has shrunk from nearly thirty outfits down to a select few, with a single "main" being worked on, and some favorite alternates for themed events down the road.

You're right about many FB friends being an "audience", but without them, I wouldn't have a chance to be visible at all. My "block list" is mainly the bots, the boobs & booties, and the Bitcoin sellers. The monsters in my life aren't blocked, so that they can always reach out, reconcile, and perhaps find forgiveness. They would need to travel here to Stockton (or Sacramento) though -- I'm through with San Diego, save helping my brother move stuff out of the house there so that he can sell it, or if there is a miracle such as an "apology reunion" (but that's sheer fantasy).