To Invisibility and Beyond
An autistic cosplayer builds an outfit that ticks all the boxes, only to have a few highlights among the loneliness and exclusion
I made my Buzz Lightyear cosplay in an attempt for inclusion while also being recognizable and with a bit of uniqueness with the inflatable plastic bubble helmet. The "decals" were made with Needlepoint, and the entire outfit is sewn cloth without sculpted armor or electronics, besides the air system which drew air in through the open mesh "planet" and inflated the bubble around my head with fresh air. A lot of time went into this, with the addition of the "isolator support pack" and a port in the chest to connect the "hose". The premise of that was to evoke the vibe of the Boy in the Bubble with a suit themed after a favorite character rather than a clinical, generic look. The pack was an option with the possibility of making a full "wing pack" or adding a twisted balloon construct for parades.
The first event was a Halloween Kids event put on by a car club, with vehicles such as the Mystery Machine (Scooby Doo), Ecto-1 (Ghostbusters), and a version of the Batmobile from one of the movies. As it turned out, a pair of "lead" cosplayers were from a particular group whose leader shunned me for my being autistic. Buzz was an attempt to find inclusion with that group after all, but most of the evening was spent trying to catch up to where the photos were being shot with the cars. Wingus and Dingus told me that I was stalking them, but actually they were doing their best to leave me behind. The main photographer made sure that Buzz would be in the photos, though. Not all cosplayers have the heart for Cosplay -- the Gruesome Twosome would be the first true elitists that I would encounter.
San Diego Comic-Con 2018 had highlights with the Disney Cosplayer photo shoots, and also I caught up with a "cosplay has no age limit" group that I had just missed meeting up with at an earlier con. There was an extremely rare "hall cosplayer" photo with other people (same series, interpreted in the "cute Western girl" sense) as well as a "selfie series" at a set-piece out in the Main Hall. About three months later I went into a competition which was a mistake -- I take disappointment extremely hard, with all the recriminations ("The winner bent the rules") and other dysfunctional emotions.
The next event was a small con where I was helping to open a fandom group's booth with a friend of mine, and Chungus (who had shunned me and was the leader of the group that would never include me after all) came up and loudly berated me for being there! He accused me of attacking his group's booth at a con that I hadn't even visited, and one of his supporters came up later and tried to placate me. I wouldn't have any of that, but later that day as I changed into my Buzz Lightyear outfit, I was seriously considering this wearing as my last adventure in the Cosplay World. The photo above was possibly my final photo in Cosplay, but after getting positive response from others at that con, I decided that Chungus was completely wrong and should never discourage me.
The latter months of 2018 (I had thought) would be where I could pick up the pieces and start to have happier times. Halloween by myself at the office and a Christmas event where I felt that I was being held at arm's length by people who were enamored with Chungus' charismatic influences didn't help my emotional state. In early 2019, after wearing another costume (Dr. Strange, also made as a bid for inclusion) to a small con in January, I retired that new costume and decided to be far more selective in my costume projects. The reality of retirement from work (or transfer) in another year is what bolstered my mindset, and 2019 would become a "swan song year" for cosplay and clowning for me, with one last build of an "adventurer space suit" for possible blogging in the future.
San Diego Comic-Con 2019 was the final run for me, as I knew that I saw leaving San Diego as soon as I either retired or transferred. There was only one "big photo session" (of my Lex Luthor outfit in 2017) since I started going there in 2009 with over two dozen costumes over the years, and it was at Los Angeles Comic Con two months later that I would realize that I would enjoy being behind the camera much more than trying to get out in front of one.
After my retirement and move from San Diego, the COVID-19 pandemic and the masks would cancel cosplay events for a solid twenty months, and then only gradual return to normality. Just before the shutdowns, though, I did go (in the Adventurer Suit) to a small con in Vacaville with my camera in hand. The combination of using the camera and the local culture encouraged me to continue. I brought Buzz to the annual clown convention, first in 2021 as a "mask-alternate" in place of my usual clown outfit as I took photos of the parade competition entries, but no one got any photos of me "in action", and just this year I brought him again to try to get some "fun photos" with people after the official convention team photo session. When the session was cancelled a second time, took the outfit back to my room and found myself sobbing, with a recent insight (that unfortunately some people are invisible) had hit home. Even my Captain Olimar that I wore at the Theme Party barely got anywhere. The Lightyear movie was opening in Stockton, and I posted an event for a "movie squad", but I was the only one to show.
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