Through the lens of a Level 1 Autistic Individual

Will 2026 be a Swan Song for me?      The past few years have been an emotional roller-coaster, with both the epic events and the miss-outs. A few weeks ago, I realized that there was no energy into a group entry in the Sacramento St. Patrick's Day Parade, so I put in an application for my Dizzy Dave, and turned out to be just in time to be in the parade which ran today. I had a lot of fun there, and got a lot of response from people, but it just isn't the same as being part of a "squad" whether in a parade with "victory lunch" after, or a cosplay meet-up, or doing some cool "action shots". Yes, my cosplays are somewhat niche (and not screen-accurate or "high-quality"), but it's not worth it to compromise fun & comfort just to get into a few photos.      I have a monthly clown club meeting (has all sorts of kid-friendly entertainers including magicians and musicians there as well as clowns), and a monthly (could return to twice a ...

A Struggle Against Perceptions of My Autism (Quick 1- or 2-Page Version)      When I was maybe 6 years old, I went to a clinic for testing (why I didn't fit the mold for a kid in 1971). The clinician there wasn't very nice or patient, and my mother said that I was "retarded" and my outlook was to become a gardener. Mom didn't accept that, though, and I went back to the clinic but with Mrs. Ferguson, who was much nicer. After a year of weekly sessions there, I was re-diagnosed as "normal" and went to Silvergate Elementary School (San Diego, CA) from 1st Grade.      During 1st Grade, though, I went through being bullied, singled out by the teacher there, and was glad when Summer Vacation came around. 2nd and 3rd Grade was in a new school a few miles away in one of the richer neighborhoods, as our family "blended" with another for the next four years. Loma Portal Elementary School was a true emotional War Zone. I was referred for weekly session wi...

Thanks to the new CDC guidelines placing quite a few people, including myself, back into the "donut hole" when it comes to eligibility for the Freedom Needles, I'm very concerned that COVID-19 could make a comeback. While it isn't necessarily the Death Sentence that it once was, treatment isn't as easy as grabbing some over-the-counter medication. Paxlovid may be effective in reducing the effects of the virus in the body, but people like me might not even be eligible for that. Then there's the possibility of "long covid". That being said, I've dropped any plans to go to crowded events such as comic conventions after SacAnime on August 31. That will be another "swan song" for me, six years after I tried one last cosplay gathering in San Diego. Many people who go to conventions are likely also ineligible for vaccines, and "con crud" could bring harsher reality. Another major factor in this decision is that there was energy towar...

The Office = Just Another Box      Earlier this year, I had received my Certificate of Achievement at San Joaquin Delta College in Medical Records Clerk. Coursework called for a lot of attention and study, with ZOOM calls, written assignments, a Field Trip, and one particular course (Office Systems and Procedures) involved a lot of working in a group on major assignments, including a term project paper. There were a lot of high notes, including a couple meetups in the Main Library to help another student conquer the gremlins in her loaned laptop to complete assignments in the filing class, and the groups in the office class all worked together and no dramas, except for the instructor wanting to change the term assignment after it's been started. I called that out, and started what could have been a popular revolt if she didn't relent and return to the status quo on that assignment.     The original impetus for this venture came from TV News, where it was mentio...

Two Wrongs Don't Make a Right      Racial discrimination and segregation unfortunately continue to exist, although they're not nearly as prolific as they were a century ago. In the 1960s, President Johnson started Affirmative Action, and its implementation over the next half-century had become Reverse Discrimination by letting minorities jump to the front of the line rather than joining the line in an equal basis with whites. Job applicants were given the shaft by all of this, even though they themselves didn't benefit from discrimination, let alone implement them.      I applaud the end of Affirmative Action and its current form lumped in as "DEI". Pushing agendas is creating a massive backlash, and I look forward to the end of the "If it's male and pale, it's stale" mindset.  And don't lump Environmental Responsibility with DEI. Fixing the environment actually helps with equity, as people wouldn't be limited by growing up in pollution.

Catharsis (From a Facebook Memory 22 Jan 2022) Remnant ("Pina") of an agave plant extracted like a rotten tooth The other day, we got around to getting rid of an agave that was getting ornery. An agave has uninviting sharp petals(?) that can house spiders or even vermin in the hollows. My stepmother had these plants at her house, and to me they symbolize her choosing meditation, vegans, and "plants have priority" rather than participation in our childhood with our father. Taking a saw to the petals and chucking them into the greens bin and then ripping the "pina" from the earth and rolling it to desiccate in the sun gave me that feeling of adrenaline in opposition to someone who tore my father from me and never did create any fond childhood memories.

 2010: Under the Sea Rare photo of me in one of my Theme Party outfits at the WRCA Convention -- I had a lot of fun with some of these throughout the years, but unfortunately photos are rare at best. I have a space suit all ready to go for this year too. | Photo taken and originally posted by Cricket Farewel l

A (Near) Decade of Halloweens at the Office 2011 -- Wearing my new Bubble Boy outfit -- at work, I wore my Shippou (InuYasha) and went to what would become the only "real" lunch event -- I was the only one in costume, though. Unfortunately, the SDCC Volunteer Dinner was a bust, due to my name being "hijacked" from the list. The hijacker admitted what happened, but never did reconcile. They were also in charge of the Daily Bulletins during Comic-Con, but in all the years of my volunteering there, he never did get photos of my cosplays. Only by sheer luck did I get a photo in, when they allowed individual submissions. Halloween experience round-up: Old Town Cosplay Gathering WIN with a few dozen cosplayers Comic-Con Staff Party/Banquet FAIL to be Remembered (wasn't put on the list) This weekend Saturday Seaport Village 'Meh...' (had FB responses but none showed) Sunday Haunted Trail with the Aspies Group WIN -- one of the Zombies even recognized me. Tonigh...

Invisibility: A Letter to the Curious Someone asked me why I seek out visibility:  Perhaps it comes from being left out a lot throughout life -- I would see others having fun and getting photos together to show off, and I would never be in them. By the time that I did get to where they were, they would have dispersed to do other things. I even had someone intentionally leave me out of as many visibility opportunities with the clown group as possible, with her grudge against me for having exposed her exploitation of a loophole in an annual recognition. The wrath of a trophy-seeker scorned. After each running of Comic-Con or the clown convention, I looked for posts with myself in them. Those were exceptionally rare in both cases, unless it was with my own camera. A few kind individuals did step up and help out as much as they could while still having things "organic" and not some weak substitution to placate me. I wanted to show the world my creative outlet, and be "cool...

  A Journey That Inspires Another Journey I made a second trip to Baraboo, WI for the Big Top Parade, and my time within Baraboo was an absolute gem in the weeklong trip. On the way to Baraboo, I rode the California Zephyr train to Omaha, NE where I then rented a car (actually turned out to be a tank of a truck in the form of a Nissan Titan). Aboard the train, all went fairly well, but I picked up on some underlying judgment from another passenger. In the Lounge car, I took a seat and someone nearby lamented that the reading lamp wasn't working. I tried clicking the buttons for both, figuring that perhaps he only tried one of the two, or perhaps there was a loose connection and my heavy-handed button-pushing might make that evident. He commented "I'm an electrician, so ..." and that gave me the impression that he thought of me as a fat buffoon. Whether or not this was the case, it wasn't isolated during the journey in both directions. Two decades ago, I made a con...

Brutal Reality in Disguise Little would I know that, rather than becoming my "main" where everyone would know me as the "clothie Buzz", I would nosedive into the world of invisibility, to the point of becoming a midlife crisis. Its debut at the Star Cars show in El Cajon did get into photos, but only because the main photographer made sure that I wasn't left out, despite the efforts of a few individuals who still don't believe that autistic people deserve inclusion in Cosplay. In 2021, face coverings were required in a lot of the spaces at a clown convention, and I wore Buzz to do photography at the Paradability competition. I even got the group together while the judges were scoring, and snapped a cool group photo, but no one thought to ask me to "get in there" for one with myself in it. The following year I brought the outfit again for a "staff group photo op" but that was postponed, and "street clothes only". The Lightyear mo...

Cosplay in 2024: New Confidence   I brought my new Mysterio to SacAnime Winter 2024, and felt very welcome and included with the Sacramento Spider-Verse group at the big photoshoot & gathering. No one asked "Who are you supposed to be?" like what happened at a meet in San Diego in 2017, but rather my character was recognized and people loved it, especially for being at an anime convention :-) The air system needs repairs, but also my Agent Venom tunic and a future J. Jonah Jameson outfit are definite options for future SSV events, along with a few choices to fit the League of Heroes Inspired events. Just no more weekday events, especially if there isn't a lot of interest from others. I do look forward to parades, charity events, and gatherings with both groups, along with Solano Cosplay Gathering. Also, I'm starting to get into more gaming with two regular groups with weekly meetups.

2024: One More Try   The new year will bring one last attempt for visibility and inclusion in my cosplay efforts. There is a photoshoot scheduled, and also there is the rest of the day at Sac Anime for opportunities to be part of a "cosplay squad" and get posted. Of course, there is the Victory Lunch aspect with everyone getting together like friends do. How the day goes will be the final determination of how I move forward with Cosplay, whether this is a new beginning, or my withdrawal from all but a few parades and other (even more) select events.

Brutal Reality I was in San Diego this Labor Day Weekend, and (other than one individual actually talking to me) the class reunion was a sea of backs, shoulders, and turned-away faces. The invisibility that I'm realizing is definitely present, unless an opportunity arises for my embarrassment in any form. This, and the "wolfpack" breaking up during an anime convention which reminded me of my attempts to try to fit in during cosplay gatherings in San Diego, cemented my desire to carve my own path with an Original Character and to weave the exclusion and other "invisibility factors" into the Jambreaker continuity when possible within the flow of the story. Fortunately, though, I did get a positive response from a local fandom group based out of Sacramento, and so my Spider-Man Last Stand outfit could get some action at upcoming events. Also, I wore my Captain Olimar to a photoshoot for a charity calendar for the first time ever. The huge "saving factor" ...

Realization Today, on the way home from lunch, I saw a sign with the name of one of the prolific developers here in Stockton. That reminded me of the volleyball class that I was in, thirty years ago, and remember mention of pick-up games in Grupe Park. I was ignored when I asked about joining the fun, and this triggered a massive realization (actually an epiphany) of some very brutal truth. At work, I was a "loner", with people taking advantage of the knowledge that I have no sense of smell, by gaslighting the "fact" that I reeked with body odor. This fallacy was revealed when both my mother and one of my brothers told me that I never did produce a bad musk all this time. This gave me relief as well as that sense of sadness that people, in different circles, lied to me to "protect my feelings" when shunned. The "mock musk" was the one known "excuse" for people shying away from me. Being tall, large, and autistic seems to trigger an unco...

=== Jambreaker === Prolog "This isn't my bed! Mom? Dad? Anyone?" Bare feet slap to the cold floor of a room far more sterile than the carved stone & wood of the room where he laid his head the night before. In place of the home-woven curtain hangs a decidedly solid door with a reinforced window. A face peers in from the other side of that window with a smirking "Well, well, well! Good morning, there!" before leaving with the sound of footsteps and laughter. The kid, maybe six years old by the Tellurian measure, examines the door, and forms a construct "wand" in one hand and a darkened face shield in the other, like how his father taught him. Looking through the shield, he points the wand at the thick plate between the knob and the edge of door, and sends energy through it. He feels the heat even through the shield as he torches a jagged groove in the door, which then swings open with the "ping" of small metal parts clanging to the floor, ...

DREAM FADE I'm at work, in my favorite Space Suit costume to celebrate Halloween. A bunch of us get on a bus to the fair, and the ride is a happy one, like a bunch of kids going to a favorite theme park. The whole scene is of awesomeness as we roll up to the fair. We pour out of the bus to check out the booths out front, and get photo ops with the costumed characters before we go into the main building for a banquet party. Finally, it's my turn to get a photo with the superheroes, but find that I need to "round them up" to get a group together before they split off. The camera clicks, and I notice that the heroes are all distracted, and there is even someone walking into the frame. There is no re-take though. I go to the door to the banquet hall, only to be told that everyone has already gone in and the event has started. Perhaps I can come back next year. I'm alone out there in the now empty fairground. Maybe Next Year ...  

Destined to be the Lone Wolf Throughout my cosplay effforts since 2009, when I made and wore Chouji (Naruto) to San Diego Comic-Con, I wanted to be a part of something epic. Cosplay would become my Social Outlet, and the space suits with the plastic bubble helmets became my favorite, since not only are the helmets themselves my favorite costume element, the suit made for David Vetter, the Bubble Boy, just yelled out to me as the perfect match for my outlook as an autistic person trying to escape from isolation, and something unique in cosplay gatherings. As time progressed, I would find out that I would be on the outside looking in, with a particular pre-Halloween gathering in 2016 being the writing on the wall. From someone turning to me and spitting "what the hell are you supposed to be?!?" when she spotted my AIM Suit (Marvel Comics) to never being included in the photo shots (no one cared to tell me that the photogs there were commissioned) -- I spent the whole time sitti...

Between jobs and with a dream of Clown College, I took the opportunity to be a vendor with the Disney on Ice Peter Pan Tour on its "rodeo route" from just after Thanksgiving 1991 in Boise, ID to Easter 1992 in Baltimore (the last two stands were with the Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey Circus at two of their largest arenas of that tour). Chicago and Boston was the Time Machine Tour where we went on loan while Peter Pan went to New York City, where there were union vendors. I got to see the broad spectrum of places and people, including my first-ever visits to Canada! My talents don't include sales, so while I did OK, the disappointment of having customers holding off until a favorite vendor arrived, or dealing with various artificial constructs of implied castes. I'll remember the cities and kind people favorably, but have no desire to run the seats to try to sell souvenir mugs full of shaved ice or bags of cotton candy that constantly dropped from the pole used...

The football sails towards me. It might as well be a rocket from the hashmarks on Scrimmage thirty yards up field. My gloved hands clutch it, and my arms absorb the momentum, bringing the ball to my chest. I see it there, through the plastic of my isolator suit helmet. My name is scrawled on the ball, just above where my fingers would grip the stitches for a pass. The sound of the sterilized air rushing in from the hose at the top of my bubble can't block the joyous sound of my father yelling 'solid catch, son!' and his hands clapping for the return pass. [I wrote this five years ago during my struggle to replace the sadness of not having a true father figure in my childhood with cosplay experiences which only became a struggle for inclusion]